Dear Armchair Psychologist,

I just came out of a pretty heavy relationship, was looking for a rebound, ending up finding someone who I connected with even more than my ex. He was careful to pursue me initially, as he’s still in AA recovery, but on our first date we ended up hanging out for hours and hours, we couldn’t stop laughing and playing. Then on our next date, he was in the middle of cooking for me when he came out swinging saying he’s not a relationship/commitment person. This was definitely a turn off as we were getting super intimate and we were going to have sex that night.

Do I cut this guy off immediately or keep it going casually as I want the D? The problem is when we’re hanging, we have too much fun, and the sex is amazing. But he acts like my boyfriend and I don’t want to go deeper and get truly hurt if he doesn’t want a relationship? Help!

-Girlfriend Material
Dear Girlfriend Material,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re experiencing distress and confusion over this new date. You say that he told you he isn’t interested in a relationship yet behaves like a boyfriend. You also say that you’re afraid of falling for him and getting hurt if he doesn’t want a committed relationship.
There are many people who aren’t comfortable with labels such as boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner but still agree on terms to maintain committed relationships. This however doesn’t sound like such an instance, given that he specifically said he is not interested in commitment. Keeping the relationship casual as friends with benefits might leave you vulnerable to falling in love, and thus getting hurt, especially if you also find him funny and compatible with you.
The wise Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” It’s convenient to create a narrative that makes sense to you but deep down I think you sense what might be in store if you go down this road. I recommend you cut this tryst, save yourself the grief, and also seek a professional therapist for support. The only D you need right now is the one in “DUMP.”
-The Armchair Psychologist

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