Help! I'm Having An Affair And I Have HPV, But My Lover Has No Idea!

Dear Torn Lover,

Thank you for sharing this dilemma, I am sure it is difficult to confront or discuss this matter. The circumstances you describe sound reckless. Judging from your own conflicted reasoning, you're well aware of this. Worrying about your karma pales in comparison to worrying about infectious diseases from unprotected sex. There are two things to address here, HPV and the Extra Marital Affair.

1) HPV, as you correctly describe is extremely common, however some types of HPV can also be dangerous and cause additional health problems like genital warts or cancer. Due to the gravitas of potentially developing cancer cells from HPV, and because if one were to develop precancerous cells due to HPV, there are preventative measures available like LEEP, it is only "karmic justice" that you inform your lover that you have HPV in the hopes that he may inform his wife so that they can both take action and control of their bodies.

2) Your lover is a married man engaged in a high-risk lifestyle. You said yourself that you're not the first person he's been unfaithful with, leaving you open to contracting various STIs, just as he has left himself exposed to contracting HPV from you.

It's great to have consenting non-monogamous relationships, but when it's under a guise of deceit, rather than honesty, it will gradually get less fun and more complex. You said you aren't emotionally attached to this lover and studies do confirm that individuals who can separate the concepts of sex and love are often likely to accept infidelity. However, since you've always been "on the straight and narrow," it becomes important to explore why you're deviating from this pattern.

It worries me that you are making excuses about your own culpability in this affair. Though you're not "responsible for his actions," you arean accomplice to his actions and the transgressions against his wife. In this article, Marc D. White, PhD, raises some great questions: "Perhaps the most important personal obligation that the single adulterer has is to herself or himself. Is such a relationship healthy for you? Does it fit with your goals regarding love, sex, marriage, children, etc.?" I recommend you turn to a therapist to explore your sexual desires, develop an approach to having an honest discussion about HPV, and unentangle yourself from this hot mess!

- The Armchair Psychologist

Dear Sounds of Pain,

I am sorry to hear you're in this prickly pickle (I couldn't resist, sorry) and that it's causing you angst. I may be a bit out-of-touch because I had never heard of "pearling" until now but will do my best to address the matter. Your neighbor is behaving like the single man that he is. He is choosing to have sex with other women when he feels like it. He never agreed to a monogamous relationship and for now that is what you are seeing play out.

If he's having sex with other women to "punish" you, then that certainly raises a red flag, and I'd advise you to quit this tryst immediately before you suffer further abuses. However, men who pearl their penises often do so to bring more sexual pleasure to a woman, and it's no small sacrifice to insert beads into your penis to accomplish this. Therefore, it is possible your neighbor could simply be a genuine Loverboy who needs a daily dose of sex, wherever he can get it?

It must be awfully convenient for him that you live mere feet away to soothe his desires at any whim. I suspect you are not on the same page whatsoever. (If you have a history of seeking unattainable men or find yourself in cycles of rejection, you should see a qualified therapist.) If you are interested in pursuing a relationship with your neighbor, I suggest you have an honest heart to heart with him and express your desire for a monogamous relationship. If he balks at this, don't clutch your pearls at the prospect of a future without him!

- The Armchair Psychologist