Almost 230 days have passed, and I still find myself crying, thinking about all the good memories that we shared. At our peaks, you were my best friend and greatest love. You made me laugh, you made me comfortable in my skin, and you made me happy without saying a word. I still remember the day we told each other we were in it for the long haul. I accepted you for everything that you were, everything you weren’t, and who you were striving to be. The connection we built and shared was complex, and I think that’s why after 230 days, I am still trying to process the end of our relationship.

Are You Grieving a Relationship?

Grieving a relationship that has ended is a weird situation to wrap your head around. The relationship has ended, but the other person is still alive, moving on with their life as if nothing happened.

There are many self-help books, articles, and videos on how to move on from relationships that met their natural end or where trust was broken, but how do you process a relationship where your significant other's mental health played a huge role?

How do you decipher what was reality? How do you stop your mind from asking the endless questions of "what if"? How do you let go and move on? It's been almost seven and a half months since the end of my relationship, and I still struggle with these questions.

Thankfully, Gen Z has helped normalize discussions around mental health, enabling you to process these difficult situations. A study published by the American Psychological Association stated that:

“This generation [Gen Z] is also significantly more likely (27%) than other generations, including millennials (15%) and Gen Xers (13%), to report their mental health as fair or poor, the survey found. They are also more likely (37%), along with millennials (35%), to report they have received treatment or therapy from a mental health professional, compared with 26% of Gen Xers, 22% of baby boomers, and 15% of older adults.”

Although mental health is becoming less stigmatized, it is still a difficult subject to talk about, especially in the context of relationships.

You can spend years on a rollercoaster of a relationship that at its best is everything you hoped a relationship would be, but at its worst can break you down into pieces.

I hope that by creating an opportunity to discuss mental health in relationships we, as a society, can create forums to discuss these issues more often and discuss ways to protect everyone’s mental health.

I started this article by discussing some of the positives about my past relationship because as I sat down to write this story, that's what came to mind first. It's interesting how our brain jumps to the positive memories so quickly, even if they are few and far between. A New York Times article published in 2016 discusses why our brains jump straight to the good memories. A study was conducted where participants were asked to identify red and green objects, and the researchers associate a reward with identifying certain colors. Scientists noticed the next day that even when there was no reward associated with identifying the objects, participants' brains still associated some reward. This study proves that even when the fun, joy, and love are gone from a relationship, we will still attach those characteristics to the related memories.

Likewise, in relationships, your mind will always tend towards recalling the positive memories, even in situations where the negative memories outweigh the positive ones. Relationships in general are not perfect, but when mental health issues are involved, they become even more challenging to maintain. In no way do I think that mental health leads to unsuccessful relationships, but I do think it changes the dynamic of how you interact with your significant other and how you protect your mental health. Dealing with mental health issues in relationships can cause significant swings in your emotions, making you feel on top of the world at one moment and at rock bottom the next.

So Why is it Difficult to Let Go?

Mental health issues like depression affect people in many different ways. For example, with bipolar depression, relationships are affected by the extreme mood swings between depressive lows and manic highs. These mood swings partially explain why it is so difficult to let go when a relationship ends because:

  1. The constant mood swings make you believe that if you repeat what you did before, when your significant other was doing really well, maybe the other person would go back to the happy/good state where everything was perfect.
  2. You identify the negative/depressive moments as solely related to their mental illness and hope that therapy will fix all the issues. You even believe that therapy will fix their behavior for treating you poorly.
  3. You are afraid to open up to friends and family about the real relationship because barely anyone saw your significant other at their lows. You end up internalizing your feelings and feel trapped.
  4. You feel as though your issues are never as worthy as theirs, so you hold in all emotions.

How to Protect your Own Mental Health

This emotional rollercoaster makes it difficult to understand the challenges of the relationship while you are in the whirlwind. However, when you are back to a steady emotional state, you achieve clarity. Here are a few ways to help yourself protect your mental health:

  1. Don’t let the mood swings distort your reality - it can take years to realize that your partner has narcissistic tendencies and other toxic habits. Every once in a while, take some time to remove yourself from the pattern of the extreme highs and lows so that you can have mental clarity.
  2. Therapy is great, but the other person must want to get better for themselves - you can convince your significant other to get help, and in the end, no matter how much you want them to get professional help, it will not make a difference if they do not want it for themselves.
  3. Never be afraid to open up to close friends and family or seek counseling for yourself - Opening up to friends and family helps, so don't be afraid to let them know what you are going through. While you are focused on the relationship, they will be focused on ensuring you do what’s best for you.
  4. Your feelings are always valid - It’s important to trust your instincts and gut feelings. Never let someone or someone else’s behavior invalidate your feelings. You have them for a reason, and you need to understand why you are going through them.
  5. Mental health, once identified, will be a life-long battle - Once someone is diagnosed with a mental health disorder, it will require attention for the rest of their life. With the right help, there will be periods that are great, but there is always the chance of having low periods. Because mental health is a life-long battle, you need to understand how someone else’s mental health affects yours. The challenge is to focus on keeping mentally healthy so you can support your partner and maintain a healthy relationship. 

Mental health is challenging, but people who have it also have very successful relationships. I hope that my experience and learnings help those in similar situations. Also, I hope this article can continue the discussion. As someone, who has had depression, I know how difficult mental health can be. As our generation gets older, I hope we can continue to normalize this topic to turn a weakness into a strength.