Celebrity couple John Legend and Chrissy Teigen recently announced the miscarriage of their son, Jack. Their openness has invited others to begin a conversation about this all too common matter more publicly. Infertility and miscarriage are far more common than people might know. One in eight women has experienced a miscarriage. Approximately 15% of American women age 18-44 go through a period of infertility, during which they may have one or more miscarriages. 
When my first-born son Aidan was 1 ½, I got pregnant for the second time. It was a beautiful fall in Oklahoma. The chill in the air and beautiful golden light that sweeps in every November was even more glorious because of the joy I was feeling about having my second child. My husband and I shared our exciting news with our families over the Thanksgiving holiday. It was an incredible day of love and celebration - just the way Thanksgiving is supposed to be. 
Nobody was more surprised than I was when I started miscarrying that weekend while shopping at a mall with my sister-in-law. It was so confusing and devastating. 
When I finally saw my doctor after what seemed like the longest holiday weekend of my life, she confirmed that I had lost the baby. In the middle of my first miscarriage, I drove myself to my local Barnes & Noble in search of a book to help me navigate through my frightening experience. On the Health Section shelf were countless books on dieting and even books on how to spice things up in the bedroom, but NOT ONE book on miscarriage or infertility. After sobbing in my car, I knew I would one day write a book for other women experiencing secondary infertility. I didn’t want any other woman to feel as alone as I did.
This was just the beginning of what would be a series of SEVEN miscarriages over six long years. I saw top specialists, but none of them had any explanation for what was happening within my body. 
What I did learn was that I was experiencing what is known as “secondary infertility.” Each miscarriage was more dangerous than the last. I had high hopes for my final pregnancy, which was conceived through IVF and under the supervision of a highly regarded specialist in another state. 
My final miscarriage started in the middle of church. I will never forget that now-familiar cramping feeling and what seemed like the longest walk of my life to the bathroom. I was so angry and even angry at God. To add insult to injury, my blood test indicated it could be a molar pregnancy, a noncancerous tumor that develops in the uterus due to a non-viable pregnancy.
Secondary infertility is a very peculiar place to be. I knew that I was fortunate to have my son Aidan.  I was often told by others to be thankful for the son I had, which I was. But I quickly found out that women struggling with secondary infertility do not support those with primary infertility do. This left me feeling isolated and judged. I did not feel like I could connect with women who were struggling to have their first child. Strangely, I felt like I was without a voice. This was ironic because I was a singer in a traveling jazz octet in college and later the lead singer of a gigging rock band for more than 20 years.  I was someone who was known for her voice. I later learned that this type of societally less recognized grief is known as “disenfranchised grief.”
My first steps toward navigating through this super-scary experience came when I surrendered to circumstances. I had to hang up my dream of being pregnant ever again, but it opened up the path forward to having another child. My specialist had suggested a gestational carrier, but at the time, I was not open to it. Once I accepted the moment, everything opened up. I even found the perfect gestational carrier who shared all of the same values as my husband and I did. 
My secondary infertility crisis, miscarriages, and gestational surrogacy journey inspired me to write my memoir, "Angel Wings."  A small publisher took a chance on me, and my book was released this past August. It was a full-circle moment when I did my book signing at the very Barnes & Noble that had no infertility books to comfort me 10 years later. In fact, my little memoir was the store’s “best seller” of the week. My hope with my book is to raise awareness and destigmatize these topics for other women. 
The question that I get asked the most is, “What do I say to or do for my friend (or loved one) who is experiencing a miscarriage?” Here are some suggestions:
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Some thoughts are better left unsaid, such as:
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To those who struggle with infertility, do not lose hope. If you are truly open, it is not a question of IF you will become a parent. It is a question of HOW. There are many ways for children to come into families. Surrendering to circumstances does not mean you have to give up your dream of being a parent for the first time or second time; it just means there is a different path for you.

WRITTEN BY

Stephanie O'Hara