Recently, I was helping a friend through a breakup. It was sad as they are both great people, but I struggled to understand sometimes exactly why she wanted to end her long-term relationship in the first place.
It felt as though she knew what she wanted but just didn’t have the right words. As she continued to pour her heart out to me, I had a moment of realization. After nine years, she didn’t have much of a voice in her relationship. And now that she was speaking up and speaking up louder, her concerns, needs, wants, desires and dreams were not being truly heard and maybe never were.
When thinking about what the number one thing women are doing that can hurt them in a relationship, this is the one thing I feel commonly comes back to bite us in the ass, especially in heterosexual relationships.
As much as it’s common, it’s also not completely our fault. From a very young age, women are taught to be pleasing. Little girls are demure and gentle princesses whilst boys are encouraged to be rough and tough. We are progressing away from these backward and limiting gender stereotypes and moving towards a more inclusive society, but I still often hear the reasoning, “because he is a boy” or “because she is a girl.”
Little girls are demure and gentle princesses whilst boys are encouraged to be rough and tough.
Our birth sex should not determine how we act and interrelate with people. I often wonder if these traits excuse or encourage a gender with the way they behave. But is it a matter of DNA or social conditioning? And when it comes to young girls being passive and pleasing, social conditioning is what I fear the most.
Women are often valued for being in a relationship, as though they are worthy because someone chooses to be with them. We also commonly teach women not to be too aggressive, too bitchy, too demanding, a ball breaker—if she is in a relationship with a man. But often in these messages, what we do is tell women they should be the ones to compromise for the sake of a relationship.
Women are expected to compromise more because they are the ones who are “supposed” to be nurturing, soft, and more pleasing—maybe even putting their family first before they have even had one. But what about what a woman truly wants? When do we tell women to use her voice, to speak her mind, to rock the boat, to be even direct, or even to be stern?
But often in these messages, what we do is tell women they should be the ones to compromise for the sake of a relationship.
If only we taught young girls from the start that their position and role in a relationship has nothing to do with their gender. That you should make compromises but so should the other person too. That you should speak up, even if it causes conflict. I see so many women, just like my friend, compromise too much and not speak their mind and then get to a point where they crack.
In relationships, we can get in an automatic mode—into a routine with daily stressors with lots to consider and think about. We might talk about surface wants and needs, but the deeper things can go left unsaid for quite some time. It’s never truly about who is doing the dishes or who is putting the rubbish out, but someone asking for more help around the house and being considered more.
It might sound simple, someone should speak up and the other person should listen. But often, after years and years of feeling like your voice isn’t truly heard, isn’t listened to, or is second best, the hurt, anger, frustration, and resentment can feel too much.
I might not be able to help my friend patch up her relationship, but I can encourage more women to find their voice and hopefully more from the start. If you are dating someone and something makes you feel uncomfortable, speak up. If you have needs that are not being met, tell the other person (and that goes for sex too). It doesn’t have to be aggressive, but it does need to be said in whatever way you feel it needs to be said.
If only we taught young girls from the start that their position and role in a relationship has nothing to do with their gender.
When I was thinking about this article and using my friend’s experience as an example, I also had a realization of my own. As much as I am a strong woman, I have not been speaking up as much as I should. And really, this was no one else’s fault but my own.
My partner is not domineering, controlling, or ignorant to my wants and needs. But I had been the one not speaking up about them. Maybe because I feared possible consequences or conflict or because I am the nurturing one in the relationship who is good at making compromises and giving to another—a trait I sometimes wonder how much is truly me and partly socially conditioned due to my gender. So, then I spoke up some more.
I must admit, it wasn’t so pleasant at first, but more because I think I was annoyed at myself that I hadn’t been more direct with some of my wants and needs before. But we got through to the other side. My partner even asked me, “Why didn’t you just tell me that’s what you wanted?” I didn’t at the time because I didn’t want to rock the boat or cause an issue. I now look back and feel sad that I felt that way about voicing some of the things I truly needed with my partner.
Start speaking up, but also make sure that you listen in return. If you can start doing this more in your life overall, you might set a pattern where you do this more in a relationship one day, too. Relationships are about two people’s wants, dreams, and needs. It’s not just up to one person to compromise, but for both people to ensure each other’s voices are heard and each person to ensure their voices are listened to.
WRITTEN BY
Dr. Nikki Goldstein