We’ve all had difficult conversations with coworkers that simply make our lives, well, difficult. Whether it’s a planned performance review, salary negotiation, or work-related fight for territory, no one really likes or wants to have them. However, these challenging dialogs are some of the more important conversations I’ve had to have and receive in my career. It turns out…they’re now kind of my fave. Here’s why.

We’re successful, powerful women, and we didn’t get where we are because we didn’t shy away from challenges. That’s exactly how I view a hard conversation, or even a less-than-perfect relationship with a teammate – like a test that I’m going to overcome. As my career has progressed, I’ve found out more about myself with each exchange (like a superpower I didn’t know I had), and I came out on the other side a stronger version of myself. I promise you that after the sigh of relief you will think to yourself, “While that may have been uncomfortable, I actually also helped another employee become a better version of themselves in the workplace.” And most of the time, if approached the right way, they will see it the same way. 

Here’s what I’ve learned and my advice to you as you prepare for your next, inevitable difficult conversation.  

Before the conversation: 

  1. Collect data. Don’t show up with feelings and without data. After my most embarrassing (and memorable) failure, I beat myself up for WEEKS as the other employee was, rightfully so, really upset. They didn’t understand what had gone wrong, felt under attack, and didn’t know what to do next. Gather specific evidence. Did someone not meet a certain target? Did they not adhere to corporate values? If so, which ones? What was the scenario in which YOU (not others) experienced? What did they do well?
  2. Develop talking points. Once you’ve done your thorough review and know you have enough data to present your case, formulate talking points. My talking points typically include why there was a need for the conversation; my observations; the data; feedback to help them do better; and a proposed plan for helping them move forward. I’m a fan of the sandwich method – pay a compliment, give them the hard truth, and finish with a compliment and how you can help them move forward.
  3. Practice. I find that as I’m rehearsing out loud, my message may be off, unkind, or totally missing the mark. You don’t want to figure that out the first time you’re having the conversation with the person receiving the message.

During the conversation: 

  1. Use authenticity, not emotions. Be yourself and be patient. You must come to the table authentically, caring for the individual enough to even have the conversation in the first place. However, check your emotions at the door. It does not matter how this person has made you feel, how they’ve made your job hard, how you may not even enjoy working with them. Emotions only muddy the conversation and distract from the point you’re trying to make. 
  2. Stick to your talking points. Stick to what you need to say, and if the employee tries to redirect the conversation, remind them why you’re here having this conversation and that this is important and necessary to work through in order for them to succeed. 
  3. Listen. Give your colleague the opportunity to share their perspective and be as empathetic as you can, especially when speaking with a “subordinate” and as understanding as you can when speaking with a “superior” (should you be the one receiving the feedback). While I hate those two words, in most workplaces, there is a hierarchy that dictates structure.

After the conversation: 

  1. Replay the conversation. Ask yourself, what went well? What could I have done differently? And use data from the conversation to understand how you can better help others be successful moving forward, and how to tailor your approach to conversations in the future.
  2. Don’t beat yourself. Practice selfcare, which may include journaling about the experience (now is an appropriate time to focus on your emotions). If your conversation backfired and you ended up being on the receiving end of a disgruntled employee, it’s easy to go into a tailspin of “It’s actually me and NOT them” – which is not true 99% of the time. Go for a walk or a run. Exercise is a powerful tool to let go of tension and stress. Remind yourself that tomorrow is a new day which will present new opportunities – always take advantage of them. 
  3. Follow up. After your conversation, it’s important to document to 1) reference in the future should “this” happen again, 2) to clearly restate to the employee the problem and 3) because, unfortunately, you can never document enough in management.

The fact that you identified the need for a difficult conversation means that you care and that you are a good manager. Viewing difficult dialogs as opportunities to become a stronger version of yourself and helping others will balance how uncomfortable the conversations can be. You’ve got this!