What Is Zumping? Here's How To Break Up Over Zoom

I don’t need to be a matchmaker to tell you breakups suck: this is a universal truth.

It doesn’t matter whether you dated for three months or three years and whether you’re the one pulling the plug or you’re on the receiving end of the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech — it feels like there’s never a right time, place, or way in which to end a relationship. But in a COVID-19 world, it’s even more challenging.

It’s not only a safer option for both of you, but it’s the next best thing to having a conversation IRL.

There are several reasons why you may decide to end your relationship via video chat. Perhaps the coronavirus safety guidelines have tightened in your local community, and you want to be extra cautious about having face-to-face contact. Or, perhaps your SO lives in another state, and traveling isn’t realistic right now. If you’ve only been seeing each other casually for a month or so, breaking up over Zoom may feel more personal than a phone call or text, yet also less formal than hanging out in real life. 

Regardless of your situation, there are a few considerations to keep in mind when going this route. Here are some tried and true tips to ensure your virtual breakup goes as smoothly as possible.

Breaking up with someone over Zoom may bring up some anxiety — and when you’re flooded with those feelings, you can freeze up and forget what you wanted to say. That’s why it’s helpful to have a plan going into your convo. 

Jot down some notes about what you want to say to your partner, and familiarize yourself with it enough that you don’t have to read off the page once you’re face to face (because TBH, that would be awkward). Remember: this script is intended to be a loose guide — there’s no need to memorize it word for word, and if you do, it may come across as overly formal, impersonal, or detached. It may also be helpful to run your thoughts by a close, trusted friend. Having a practice run can allow you to get some of the jitters out of your system, and they can provide some perspective on what you plan to say in case you need to tweak anything.

One of the most empathetic things you can do before executing a Zoom breakup is to avoid scheduling this conversation during a time when you know your partner will be exhausted, stressed, or overwhelmed — like late at night after a long day or right before they’re leaving for work. And this should go without saying, but if you know that your SO works from home, don’t try to have this discussion on their lunch break. Better yet, you may want to plan your Zoom breakup during a time when you know they’re about to see loved ones, such as right before a family gathering or weekend with friends.

Even though you’re not pursuing this relationship any further, your “zumpee” still deserves your undivided attention. The most respectful way to have a Zoom breakup is to turn off the TV, put your phone away, and make sure you have some privacy for at least 20 minutes. While you’re at it, make sure you have a strong Internet connection — the last thing you want is latency or a dropped call when you’re in the middle of telling them it’s over. Also, be sure to turn off any social media and other app notifications so your phone isn’t blowing up while you’re breaking the news. This will show your SO that your relationship with them was important to you, even if it is ending — which may help to soften the blow a little.

It’s understandable if you’re dreading telling your SO that you want to end your relationship — you have no idea how they’ll react, and you probably don’t want to hurt their feelings. But don’t let that dread cause you to keep skirting around the issue.

That doesn’t mean you have to kick things off by saying, “I want to break up!” as soon as they enter the chat room, but you should get to the point within the first five to 10 minutes.

When you feel nervous or uncomfortable, it’s easy to start rambling. But this is a case where that old adage “the less said, the better” applies. Over-explaining yourself and trying to justify your decision may make it seem like you’re not entirely confident in your decision — which can then leave room for your SO to try and bargain with you. So, in the interest of not giving them false hope, you’ll want to be as direct as possible. For example, you might say: “I’m so grateful that we got to know each other, but I’ve realized we’re going in two different directions.” or “I’ve been having fun with you, but I don’t see a future between us.” As a general rule, honesty is the best policy. However, you can keep things pretty vague — there’s no reason to list out all the reasons why you don’t think you’re a good fit or you’re not attracted to them.

In an ideal world, your partner would understand and accept your decision, and the two of you would happily sign off with no hard feelings. But that’s not exactly realistic, is it? Your partner may feel confused, blindsided, sad, betrayed, angry, hurt, or any combination of those — and it’s worth letting them speak their mind.

That said, you also don’t want to fall into a trap where your soon-to-be-ex is attempting to change your mind, or you become their therapist. Allow them a few minutes to respond, and if it seems like they’re not accepting your decision, politely find a way to wrap things up. Saying something along the lines of, “I understand this may be very difficult for you, and again, I hope you know that I’m so appreciative of our time together. But I think it’s best we go process this on our own right now” should do the trick to signal that you’re done talking.

Will zumping be easy? No. But you can come out of the process with your integrity intact. And remember: as corny as it sounds, every single relationship is as unique as a snowflake — so your breakup should be treated as such.

There are no hard and fast rules for when, where, and how to break up over Zoom — and only you can know what feels right in your particular situation.