I’ve been married for the last two years to a man\nwho lives in another country. (Scandalous!) As I’ve been living in Los Angeles,\na city that is having its own version of a hot and cold relationship with all\nthe COVID rules changing weekly, I’ve come to realize that many people don’t\nunderstand what really happens in a long-distance relationship, let alone a\nlong-distance marriage. So, I figured I’d break it down for the public (and\napparently, my inner circle, as they aren’t very good at active listening).
Long-distance marriages are typically marriages\nwhere two people live in different cities, states, or even countries. There can\nbe a number of reasons for this: Maybe one spouse has a specific type of job,\nsomething cool like an astronaut. (I mean, who wouldn’t want to live in\nFlorida? Texas, I’m not so sure…) This would keep them in a certain city with\nlimited ability to see their spouse. Sometimes the reason can be family-related. One person relocates to care for a sick parent or family member. Other\ntimes, it can be situations like the one I’m currently in: married to a man\nfrom the United Kingdom who is waiting on his green card and thus is currently\nnot allowed in the United States. But whatever the reason, this puts a physical\ndistance (sorry, sexy time) between the two partners. Now that we got the urban\ndictionary definition out of the way, I can move on to what makes people in\nLDMs frustrated about you “normal people”.
The difference between long-distance marriages/long-distance relationships compared to regular marriages/relationships that many\npeople don’t understand is that when things aren’t working out because of the\ndistance, arguments, lack of sex, or whatever the issue of the week is, people\nin LDMs don’t just break it off. It’s not like “I think I’ll kill off Josh in\nAct 2” – no, it doesn’t work like that. You went through so much to commit to\nthis individual, and you aren’t going to just give up on them because someone\nnamed “Rona” came into town and tried to take out the entire world. Although\nsome couples may divorce eventually for other reasons (leaving the cap off the\ntoothpaste), the majority of the couples in an LDM maintain the hope that this\nis just temporary, and that they will eventually be reunited in a permanent\nsituation. So, when friends ask over and over again the same questions about your\nlong-distance relationship, their short-term memory seems to kick in and their\npoor active listening skills get the spotlight. Those in an LDM repeat\nthemselves a lot to get their point across, which inevitably makes the\nfriendship and conversations no fun at all.
People in an LDM don’t want to be judged, just like\nanyone else in any other type of relationship wouldn’t want to be judged over\ntheir relationship details. There are many types of people that have an LDM or\nLDR Actors (an example) manage it all the time and we are in awe of them, yet\nwhen “normal” people do it, people can’t seem to figure out how their life\nworks. It seems Millennials and Gen Z’ers, although freelance/tech-savvy/remote\nthrough their career, can’t seem to grasp an LDM. They are constantly wondering\n“Do you still live in LA?” “Are you still married?” The reality is, I haven’t\ndone anything differently. I go visit my husband in England for a couple of\nmonths at a time unless Leo calls (that’s DiCaprio) and wants me to produce\nhis next movie (can we please take a break from period dramas?). The journey to\nEngland from Los Angeles is 11 hours by plane, so this isn’t just a quick “OMG\nLet’s go to Cabo this weekend!” trip. Instead, you’re putting your whole life\ninto multiple suitcases. Just the prep on packing takes a few days, and you\nprobably buy a new wardrobe every time, even though it’s your second home. What\nif you gained the Covid 19? What if you got fat? (As she ponders ordering\nweight loss supplement on her insta feed) What if the weather of the place\nyou’re visiting (aka that second home I just mentioned) has the temperament of\na 13-year-old girl on her period and just can’t seem to make up its mind? You\nhave to pack for all seasons. Take England in August for example. It’s hot,\nit’s raining, it’s windy, it’s cold and just because the Brits are climatized\ndoesn’t mean my LA tan will fool anyone. And don’t even get me started on\ntrying to explain to my friends (let alone border patrol) my entire situation\nevery time I visit. “I’m here to see my husband, but I don’t have a spousal\nvisa. I’m only here for a short while. I promise I’ll be less damaging to the\nroyal family. I was here before Megan Markle, ffs!” (look up ffs,\nit’s catchy), while praying to God I get stamped through. Once I am through\nborder patrol and I am free to roam in my other “temporary” home city, it takes\nme a minute to adjust. The 8 hour time change is challenging enough on the body\nand sleep, but after a few weeks, I get into a rhythm with my spouse. I start to\nforget about the world back in LA outside of my remote work, and even then I’m\nprobably not feeling 100% myself – but I try hard. It’s a rollercoaster of\nstress and exhaustion, trying to keep up with my husband, my job, my friends,\nmy family in however many time zones. Once the trip is over and I begrudgingly\nhead back to LA, I become moody all over as if I didn’t have the time with my\nspouse I wish I had and the whole cycle starts over again.
We go back to Skype-ing daily. He thinks we\nshould have more Skype sex. (*whispers a faint yay*). Everything is a constant\nplan that is always changing. Nothing is set in stone, and especially with\nCOVID now. This can be extra tough on LDMs emotionally. Communication is so\nimportant. Couples who live together full time get tripped up on communication\nday to day, so I’m not saying it’s easier for them and harder for us.
Sometimes\nI think the distance actually forces people in LDMs into figuring out\ncommunication because you have no other way except to rely on FaceTime, phone\ncalls, and texts. The process is emotionally draining, but you have to look at\nthe bigger picture in order to survive.
So, I challenge those out there (maybe those of you\nwho just skimmed this article), to maybe lay off the constant need for the\ninstant gratification of having to check your Instagram feed while you try and\ncatch up with your friends while they tell you about what’s going on in their\nlife. Give them your full attention and learn about what’s going on in their\nrelationship. And for those of you in LDMs, maybe lower your expectations of\nthe rest of the world, knowing most people don’t have what you have and won’t\never fully understand it. You have something unique and it works for you.
For the rest of you out there, aimlessly wandering\nthrough the Trader Joe’s aisles (try the Wonton Soup), have you become so\ndependent that you can’t be independent in your relationships? Can you not go\nplaces on your own without your significant other/spouse? Are you constantly\nseeking the approval of a “squad”? Just something to think about it. But hey,\nwhat do I know? I’m just some girl who met some guy online (you know, the “old-fashioned” way), who decided to have a traditional marriage and do things the\nway America told me to.
