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HELP! My Boyfriend Deleted Me on Social Media!

Dear Armchair Psychologist,I have a dilemma.I met a woman.It was 5 years ago maybe, after sliding into her DMs. We were attracted to each other, but nothing serious ever really happened. She's kind of my Jenny from Forrest Gump, a wildflower who shows up every once in a while and we'd be like peas and carrots, and then she would fly far, far away.It was the end of summer two years ago and a girlfriend dumped me. Jenny happened to be in DC for two months before her move to Barcelona. We got very close and I told her I was coming to Spain to see her.She left…and…radio silence. When Jenny got to Barcelona she got sick and found out she was pregnant. It was my child. She was going to carry it to term but lost the baby.Spain has socialized healthcare, but it isn't free to lose a baby in a country struggling economically. Jenny's father is not in her life. She didn't want to break her mother's heart and didn't tell her. I wrote a check for the healthcare services for Jenny. Writing that check was the saddest moment of my life. I'm very diligent about checking my finances, but I will never look to see if this check was ever cashed.I'm pro-choice, but frankly I don't know when life starts. And I was not ready to have a child. But it makes me so sad that there could have been a little girl sitting in my lap as I write this.Jenny is now back in DC and I still have feelings for her, but I am in a happy relationship with a woman who is newly immigrated to the US, which complicates things for various reasons. I'm not sure if my feelings for Jenny are just out of guilt that she went through the pregnancy in a foreign country. I need advice on what to do, I've never had feelings for two women at once. What do you think? - Struggling

Dear Struggling,

I am so sorry that you feel conflicted about the past. It is normal to struggle with unresolved relationships and certainly ones in which a pregnancy was involved. You say you're in a happy relationship with another woman but you still have feelings for Jenny. From your description, Jenny sounds like someone who has not been a stable presence in your life. You say she shows up once in a while and the last time she left you, she went "radio silent."

It wouldn't be wise to compromise your happy relationship to explore what you already know, which is that Jenny most likely won't maintain a healthy and stable relationship with you as she's bouncing from country to country.

It is fair to explore your feelings about the miscarriage, however, and to discuss it with a qualified professional. It might even be a good idea to send Jenny an email or meet in person somewhere that feels safe and get the answers you need about the miscarriage.

Losing an unborn child can entail an enormous grieving process, but it's a unique sort of grieving because one is grieving what could have been versus a life that was already lived.

Psychologists still struggle with how to properly assist and help individuals cope with this sort of physical and emotional loss. Janet Jaffe, PhD, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of the Center for Reproductive Psychology in San Diego, defines that the grieving is partly rooted in a "reproductive story" that needs to be addressed. "You have a reproductive story, conscious or unconscious, and when something goes wrong with this set of expectations and ideas and dreams, you can feel like you've lost more than a fetus or a baby. You've lost part of yourself."

I hope you're able to find the answers and get the relief you need. In the meantime, steer clear of Jenny and Run Forrest Run!

- The Armchair Psychologist

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