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HELP! My Mom Is Anti-Black Lives Matter!
Dear Armchair PsychologistMy mother, a white woman from Louisiana, grew up in an era that was racially oppressive to Black people. As a young child, I knew she harbored some unacceptable and awful views, including referring to Mexican food as "dog food" and making disparaging remarks about Black people. I suspect she even voted for Trump. In my adult life, I have been able to avoid such topics partly because she is aware that I am extremely liberal and not a racist. I've lived all of my adult life in large cosmopolitan cities and have always had very diverse friends from all races. Lately, with the Black Lives Matter protests, she has resurfaced her racism. Her affluent neighborhood and street were one of the areas affected by looting. She called me crying about the "animals" and how "the blacks don't know to behave after all we have done for them." I was horrified and hung up on her. How do I deal with her? - Black Lives Do Matter
Dear Black Lives Do Matter,
I am sorry to hear that you've had to endure your mother's racist tirades. It's discouraging that this is your own flesh and blood because it's not so easy to simply cut off one's own mother. You say she's harbored these views since you can remember and it might not be very easy to sway her thinking. A good strategy would perhaps be to create a dialogue that isn't too aggressive nor judgemental to make her realize how and why her remarks are hurtful and how they affect you? In this article on "How to Tell Someone You Love They're Racists" it's recommended you get the person to articulate their perspective clearly, as it might have a different meaning to them. Another way to begin a dialogue could be to "let them walk in others' shoes" by describing a story that forces them to immerse themselves into someone else's experience to inevitably challenge their own stereotypes. If you still find mom intolerable after these discussions, politely tell her that you will limit your interactions with her going forward because of how they make you feel and that you can be found at Taco Tuesdays!
- The Armchair Psychologist
HELP! After 3 years, My husband won't say ILY!
Dear Armchair Psychologist,My husband loves me and if I ever want or need anything he will turn the universe on tilt to get it. The problem is he only shows love through action. As a woman, my brain craves verbal communication and I'm at my wit's end. I love my husband but his refusing to say "I love you" or "You're beautiful," leaves me feeling insecure. After three years of marriage, I can count the "I love you"s on one hand.- Just Say It
Dear Just Say It,
It must be frustrating to not receive the reassurances you need in your marriage. There are many love languages, some nonverbal. You state that your husband will turn the universe on tilt for you, but he won't say three simple words? In Dr. Gary Chapman's book about love languages, he writes, "people should not use the love languages that they like the most but rather the love languages that their loved ones can receive." Your husband may be a man of few words, but his refusal to make you happy by simply muttering a few words, (in a love language you can receive), are concerning and may allude to deeper issues within your marriage. I suspect you may not get the validation you need by having him say "I love you." It's important that you explore the underlying issues to your insecurities with a therapist and address what's lacking in your life that makes you clamor for this specific validation.
- The Armchair Psychologist
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WRITTEN BY
Ubah Bulale