"I'm sorry you feel that way."

I had sat there listening on the phone to the apology she believed she had offered me at the beginning of this year.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. And this situation, well, it's really not my fault. It's not his fault, and it's not her fault, either," as she had named the other players who had been involved in the situation that had transpired amongst those who I had trusted and thought were friends. And clearly, they weren't.

"Sorry."

I decided to cordially end the call and hang up. I wished her a good rest of the day, with Michelle Obama's voice ringing in my ears: When they go low, we go high. There was no point in unwrapping, dissecting, and debating that apology and revisiting what had actually transpired amongst us.

So I didn't say thank you for the apology. Because it wasn't really an apology. And at that very moment, I decided I would only say thank you to real apologies — not to fake apologies. I am drawing a line. I can't thank you for a fake apology.

The fake apology is passive-aggressive, a check the box exercise, a sign of insecurity...

"I am sorry that I hurt you" vs. "I am sorry that you are hurt."

"I am sorry that I said that" vs. "I am sorry that you were so sensitive."

"I am sorry that I got angry" vs. "I am sorry that you had to leave the room."

What's in a real apology? Why is it so important? Why do I even care?

Because a real, true apology is admitting to the mistakes you have made. It's sincere, authentic, and heartfelt. It's a promise to do better. It's an opportunity to start a new chapter, turn the page, and move forward in a relationship.

And at the end of the day, we all want to be seen. We want to be heard. We want to be acknowledged. And that's what a real apology does.

We apologize to our friends, family, and coworkers. Government officials apologize to the masses. Leaders apologizing for horrible behavior. Companies apologizing to consumers. Scroll on your feed, and at this moment you will find an apology; somewhere, someone is apologizing for something they did or said. But our screens are also littered with pretend apologies.

The co-founder who apologizes for stealing credit from his fellow co-founder. Matt Rivitz of Sleeping Giants using the fake apology tactic: "Nandini clearly deserves a lot more credit than she has gotten for her groundbreaking work with Sleeping Giants and I'd like to apologize to her and to anyone else who may have felt this way during the course of this campaign…"

The comedian who apologizes for being a sexual harasser: Louis C.K. and his apology where he never says the words "I am sorry." Instead, he says he was remorseful and tried to learn from is irresponsible behavior. His pretend apology only came after he lost a distribution deal for his movie, had an upcoming Netflix special canceled, and had his shows removed from HBO's streaming services.

And last but certainly not least.

The Silicon Valley Tech millionaire who apologizes for being a racist. Caught ranting and raving on video and shouting racist remarks at an Asian American family. The Orosa family was celebrating a birthday at a restaurant in Carmel, California while Solid8 CEO Michael Lofthouse can be seen smirking and giving his middle finger to the family.

"Trump's going to f--- you," he said in the video. "You f---ers need to leave… f—-ing Asian piece of sh-t."

"This was clearly a moment where I Iost control and made incredibly hurtful and divisive comments," Lofthouse's apology statement said. "I would like to deeply apologize to the Chan family."

"I think he really meant what he said and what he did. I don't believe his words because his actions speak louder than the words he says," shared Ray Orosa with the local ABC News in reaction to Lofthouse's apology.

I agree with Ray Orosa.

All of a sudden. It seems like you can behave badly, just apologize, and then we can all just move on — all is now right with the world. This Silicon Valley Tech millionaire was just sorry he was caught on camera. Well, we aren't sorry you were caught, Michael.

So please don't pretend to apologize. I am sorry you feel that way. I am sorry you were hurt. I am sorry you misinterpreted my actions. I am sorry you misunderstood. I am sorry that you didn't understand what we agreed to. Maybe you should just actually just say, "Sorry, but I am not sorry." Because you really aren't sorry at all, and you never were in the first place.

Here's what I try to remind myself when I need to apologize for something big or small, I have done. I need to be genuine. I need to acknowledge what I did wrong. I need to be specific about how I will do better or be better. If I am not ready to apologize then I will wait until I can provide a real apology.

I would say it's never too late to apologize. Yet in today's world of Twitter, YouTube, and Instagram, time is always ticking. And it's ticking fast. If you were caught on camera, you can't wait to apologize. If you do a fake apology, there will be hell to pay. And if you do apologize, providing a real, true apology, it still might not matter. Even the most thoughtful, well-crafted, genuine-sounding apology posted on Twitter can't erase behavior that cannot be unseen. For behavior that is damaging and can't be forgotten, there will still be hell to pay.

So please, don't pretend to apologize. To those who have been caught or yet to be caught, maybe if you stop behaving so badly — stop saying and doing as you please with no regard for others — then you won't have to worry about apologizing in the first place.


WRITTEN BY

Mita Mallick