Ask yourself, whose hero are you trying to be? And why? 

You may find that the life you're living isn't even yours. That would make anyone unhappy.
You're struggling with not feeling good enough. Someone told you through their words, actions, or lack thereof that you weren't enough for them just the way you are, without doing or being anything else- and you believed it.
Feelings of not being good enough are fueled by shame. Shame is awkward, uncomfortable. It's a self-conscious emotion that comes from looking at yourself poorly. 
It makes you feel anxious, exposed, deceived, powerless, and worthless. It's summed up as all the feelings associated with inadequacy. Unaddressed feelings of inadequacy create people-pleasing behavior. This comes at the cost of destroying your core being, who you are, not the person hidden behind your spouse, gender, or religion.
You were not meant to be invisible. You were meant to enjoy life, add value to it by being yourself, and expressing your unique personality, talents, and skills.
Women are multidimensional; we are not easily categorized as the world would like to have us seem. We are vines shaped every day by our experiences. We twist, turn, adapt, grow, and continually bloom through different seasons of life.
The song lyrics that come to mind when I think of this is Alanis Morissette's, "I'm a bitch, I'm a mother, I'm a child, I'm a lover, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed."
Shame is a thief that robs you of power. To disarm shame, you have to get to its root, which is almost always the thought of, I'm not good enough.
You must have a defiant spirit that can take an ego bruise yet be your unwavering motivator.
This is the voice that told me during my relationship that ripped my self-esteem apart that if you don't stop this, you're going to die. Then I heard chanting in the background, fight fight fight! No word of a lie, the moment I listened to that voice, something was different. It was the kick, scream, claw blood, skin, until you break nails, a type of determination that I had to feel to leave. This is the attitude that's beneficial in adapting to life.
There are two key concepts in taking your power back when you feel like you're not good enough.

1. Reject the cycle of shame and feelings of low self-worth by relentlessly choosing yourself.

Reduce people-pleasing.
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If continually extending yourself to other people turns you into a bitter, unrecognizable person, then you are living in inauthenticity. 
A wise quote says that God loves a cheerful giver. Being a cheerful giver comes from being happy with yourself and life, which brings me to the next point.

2. Stop the spread of shame by having grace, empathy, and self-compassion.

You must choose to believe more of the good stories about yourself over the negative ones.
I don't know about you, but my default is to beat myself up when I mess up. I say you should have known better; how could you let this happen? And the negative self-talk continues. I wouldn't say these things to my friends, so why do I say it to myself?
It's hard to have self-compassion when you're a perfectionist, when you see mistakes as a weakness or when you hold yourself to a high bar.
Ask yourself, whose hero are you trying to be? And why? Most of the time, the things we're doing, the life we're living have nothing to do with us, so give yourself a break.
No wonder you're hard on yourself and unhappy. This isn't even your life.
Cultivate self-compassion by having grace and by saying more kind words about yourself. Below are some of my favorites when I'm present enough to remember (eek face). If not, you can always remind yourself after the moment. 
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When you think you've done something "stupid," you don't even want to hear about compassion. It is challenging to talk yourself out of negativity, but no one else can do it for you. Each new experience helps you learn triggers and is a reminder that healing work is continual.
We can summarize grace by a quote from Brené Brown, a researcher in shame, vulnerability, courage, and empathy, that says, Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame. 

Take away 

We struggle with never feeling good enough when people tell us through their words, actions, or lack thereof that we aren't enough for them- just the way we are. 
These feelings of inadequacy are rooted in shame. If we accept shame, it will destroy our core being, robbing the world of our talents, values, and unique personality. 
We can take our power back by rejecting shame through:
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Lastly, I want us to remember that shame is all around us. It can be overwhelming, daunting, and discouraging, but the most powerful thing we can do is decide; decide to move forward no matter how slow or how long it takes and continue to reject shame.
Originally published By Arlene Ambrose on the Assemblage

WRITTEN BY

Arlene Ambrose, RN