Eight Relationship Lies We Need To Stop Telling Ourselves

Eight Relationship Lies

We Need To Stop Telling Ourselves

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There are a lot of myths around relationships. So many ideas and conclusions of how a relationship should be circulate among us such as, what kind of person your partner should be, personality traits they should have, and the list goes on. The problem with conclusions about a relationship is that if you don’t have a relationship, or if yours doesn’t measure up to the standard of perfection you have decided on, you will start to judge your partner and you start to judge yourself.

If you were willing to let go of everything you have decided about relationships and started to ask questions, you would quickly see that there are many lies about relationships that are perpetrated. Perfection doesn’t exist and fairytales set you up for disappointment. Relationships can be fun and can add to the quality of your life if you stop lying to yourself about what it should be and allow yourself to choose what works for you.

Here are 8 relationship lies that are destructive to you and your relationship:

Lie Number 1: Prince Charming is out there somewhere

There is a good possibility that you grew up with the idea that Prince or Princess Charming was as good as it gets. Only when you found that person, when “the right one” showed up, then you could begin to live. But if you take a moment to stop and ask what you would like your life to be, is that really what you desire? For someone else to hold the key to your happiness? How small do you have to make yourself in order to need someone to come and rescue you?

Questions open the door to all possibilities. Conclusions close doors.  When you conclude that you are looking for Prince Charming, you stop asking the questions that would allow you to create what you really desire.

You’ve got to start asking, ‘what would be a great relationship for me? What is truly valuable to me in a partner? And, if I were creating this from scratch right now, what would I choose?’

Get clear on what would work for you, regardless of whether anyone else likes it or not because it really is about our choice, and most of us are not choosing from what’s true for us.

Lie Number 2: Perfection Exists

The idea that seeking perfection in a relationship makes it better is simply not true. Seeking the perfect relationship keeps you in the self-perpetuating cycle of never enough; never right enough, never good enough, never successful enough. No matter how good your relationship is, no matter how amazing your partner is, it’s never enough.

Instead of striving for a perfect relationship, strive for a great one. In greatness, you allow you, your partner and your relationship to be greater today than you were yesterday and you don’t judge your relationship for not being enough. In greatness, you recognize that “mistakes” actually contribute to your relationship growing stronger.

Lie Number 3: Relationships are about sacrifice and giving up you

This lie is a popular one. We have been taught that if we care for someone, we sacrifice for them. When we buy this as real and true, we cut off parts of ourselves in order to prove our care. Have you ever noticed that this doesn’t work? And, have you ever noticed that when you care for you, you actually care more for others?

What would your relationship be like, if you brought ALL of you into it? What would be created in your relationship and in the world, if you never stopped choosing for you?

When we choose to do the things that are fun for us, when we choose to connect with the people that value us, when we choose what works for us, our relationship can continue to grow and expand into something greater.

Lie Number 4: I can turn a fixer upper into the perfect partner

Have you ever met someone who was so attractive, with an enticing victim story and all you could see was his or her potential? You KNEW, that with just a little help (preferably from you), they could be amazing. So, you stepped it up and took on the project. The project of the Fixer Upper.

As helpful as you think you are being, as certain you are that this is going to work out and be the relationship of your dreams, taking on a Fixer Upper actually makes your more susceptible to people who want to take advantage of your kindness and nurturing instincts. If you have the point of view that your job is to give 150 percent, you will always find a partner that takes 200 percent.

Lie Number 5: I’ve been in this relationship so long, it can never change

A relationship begins because we choose it. We choose a particular person as our partner. We choose to be in a particular type of relationship with them. But often times that active choosing goes away and we start to exist in the relationship rather than actively choose the relationship and this is when it loses its spark.

No matter how long you’ve been in relationship, it can get better if you are willing to choose to be in it. Daily choosing to be in your relationship takes you away from simply existing in the relationship and brings you back to the creativity, furs n and excitement that was there in the beginning.

Lie Number 6: Soul mates and twin flames

If you are looking for your soul mate, your significant other, your twin flame or your other half, you are ultimately going to fail in that endeavor. The quest to finding your other half is not only unrealistic, it’s also damaging to yourself. 

If you are convinced that your soul mate is out there and you are not finding them, you start judging you. You start looking for what’s wrong with you that keeps you from finding ‘the One.’

Instead of looking for the perfect partner, start asking questions. You can ask, “If I was with this person, what would my life look like? If I were with this person, what would my life be like in 5 years, in 10 years, in 20 years?” When you ask these questions, you will start to perceive what your life would be like in this relationship. Now, does that match what you truly desire? If not, no matter how much you have decided that they are perfect for you, it won’t be your best choice.

Lie Number 7: Over time relationships become less exciting

Relationships can get better over time if you are willing to ask questions. Questions have the power to change to things dynamically and quickly. When we aren’t asking questions, nothing new can show up. When we start asking questions, we invite new possibilities, limitless fun, creativity and joyfulness.

A game changing question for relationships is, “How does my relationship get any better than this?” When you ask this question, the things that aren’t working get better. The things that are already good become even more amazing. So ask and keep asking!

Lie Number 8: Partners who really care for each other do everything together

What do you love to do? Do you like to dance? Swim? Jog? Do you still do all of the things you love? Or have you given them up because your partner doesn’t like them?

Would you be willing to let go of the idea that you and your partner have to have the same desires? What if you could do what was fun for you and your partner could do what was fun for them?

Start today to choose to be, do and have the things that will contribute to you and make your life greater. When your life is greater, the relationship can be too.

Most of us have adopted points of view about relationships based on the points of view of others. Our parents, our teachers, our culture, all influence what we believe relationships should and should not be. When we are willing to let go of those points of view, when we are willing to ask questions, we begin to become clear on what we actually desire. We begin to see what would actually work for us. And, when we are willing to choose what works for us, no matter what anyone else says and no matter who does or does not like it, our relationships become more fun, more playful and a greater contribution to our lives.

Dr. Dain Heer

Dr. Dain Heer is an internationally renowned author, speaker and facilitator of consciousness and change. He is the author of 9 books including, Being You, Changing the World, which is now an international bestseller.

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