Being A Dominatrix Taught Me How To Become A Badass In Life And In Business

Being A Dominatrix Taught Me How To

Become A Badass In Life And In Business

You walk into that upscale networking event, the one you have been itching to go to so that you can make some higher quality connections, but suddenly you find you are in full out comparison mode. Is your outfit up to snuff, are you too old/too young to be here, do you have enough credentials to do what you are doing.

Is your outfit up to snuff, are you too old/too young to be here, do you have enough credentials to do what you are doing.

Argh!!

Why does that always happen, this is precisely where you need to be, yet somehow you can’t stop the constant self-doubt.

Women are famous for this. We have mastered the art of being mean to ourselves. Continually comparing who we are and what we have done to others.

The thing is, we are far from fair when we do it, and it stops us from showing up as a Badass in our life and our business.

Now, let me first clarify what a Badass actually is. Media has traditionally portrayed her as a woman who you can’t say No to. She’s callus, maybe a little manipulative, and will stop at nothing to get the sale. She works 80 hours a week and never misses an opportunity to sell, sell, sell.

To me, this describes the masculine model of “push”, the belief that going for something bigger means living with discomfort and pain. This is the hustle and grind approach that leads to burnout and illness.

To me a Badass is someone who knows her value, is at ease with her body and how she shows up in the world. She attracts people to work with her, compelling them with her passion. Never forced, she seems to create things as if by magic, all the while having time for friends and family.

Anyone that comes to mind? There might be the odd woman who is born with this talent, but the good news for the rest of us is that these skills of becoming a Badass are all things that we can develop.

For me, I began my journey towards becoming a Badass when I became a Dominatrix.  

Now, while this line of work is not most people’s first choice on the path to self-discovery, it’s who I had to become in order to stand in my power. The role changed how I showed up in my business and in my life.

If you have only ever seen the Hollywood version of the Dominatrix, it would seem that it is about power over another person, yet I can tell you from personal experience, everything that happens in the dungeon is actually pre-negotiated and is centered around the client.

The Dominatrix is in charge of holding the space and controlling all aspects of the scene so that the client can surrender fully. That surrender allows the client to shed all of the outside pressures and allow someone else to be in charge for just a little while. It takes courage to let go in that way, and it takes strength to hold that scene for another. A Dominatrix is, in fact, a high-level service position!

I had to quickly learn how to authentically be the one in charge, to be confident. Faking it would not work, so I had to become that person.

For almost two decades,  I managed a chain of wellness centers and now operate my own professional coaching and speaking practice. Bringing those skills from the dungeon into my business has been invaluable. Looking back on my failures, I can pinpoint exactly what went wrong, and when I wasn’t using those same skills – missteps and old habits.

The good news is that you don’t have to put on the black pleather and boots in order to learn from the archetype of the Dominatrix and become more of a Badass in your own life.

Here are some practical tips you can apply today:

1. Never say sorry

When you are in the dungeon, and your submissive is blindfolded and fixed to an apparatus while you are flogging them, the very worst thing they could ever hear is “oops!”.  You will instantly ruin the scene, and all of the trust that they had in you will be gone in that second.

It is the same thing in business!

Constantly apologizing will put you out of your power, and worse than that, others will begin to question your expertise and their decision to work with you.

Instead of “Sorry…” start every email you write for the next week with “Thank you…”

Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for your understanding. Thank you for being so amazing to work with.

Each “thank you” releases a tiny hit of dopamine for the client and that helps to disperse the frustration they may have had if you started with “Sorry,” and it keeps you standing firmly in your power.

2. Be willing to lose

Very few of us have the precious time or money to just throw away, yet the irony is that the harder you work to make sure you hang on to these things, the more likely you are to lose them.

The lessons we take from people who have had incredible successes, the Oprah’s and the Elon Musk’s of the world, is that it takes great leaps of faith to get that big and they’ve learned how to play all-in, without putting attachments on the outcome.

When we try to force something to happen, we are less connected to what is actually happening and are hindered from being responsive to what is right in front of us.

The Dominatrix takes time to script out a scene based on all the elements that were negotiated, but when she steps in the dungeon, she releases the need for that script to play out exactly as planned. She must stay present to what is actually happening. Things rarely go as scripted, but when she is fully present they will remain on track, and the submissive is able to relax knowing that she is fully in charge.

So make your plans, pull out the map of what you would like to happen and then be willing to chuck it all in the ‘F*ck it Bucket’ the moment it no longer works.

3. Negotiate like a Dominatrix

My time studying to become a Dominatrix taught me some incredible mindset skills, with negotiation skills at the top of that list.

In the dungeon, every single detail is discussed prior to starting a scene. You talk about what is okay, what is not okay and what is a not right now – for both players! Where there is overlap is what is explored in the scene. There is no room for compromise; it is win/win or no deal.

To become a Badass, you can learn from the Dominatrix and create your own list of what you are willing and not willing to do and what is a maybe, under the right circumstances.

Having your list mapped out ahead of time will stop you from falling back into old patterns, and will allow you to achieve more of your goals for the long term.

The lesson here isn’t that life can start feeling ‘easy’. Life is going to get uncomfortable. But I invite you to learn to ride the waves of challenges in a way that will bring greater ease and less long-term damage; standing in the inner power that you know you possess; listening for cues and surrendering to what needs to be done in order to earn a greater reward.

Dana Pharant

Combining her 20+ years in the wellness and stress management fields along with her experience of building a 7-figure business, Dana Pharant teaches her audiences health habits, mindset strategies, and authentic presence so they can tap into their inner power, and lead an unapologetic life of purpose. Her book, Inner Dominatrix Guide: Become a badass in business launches on Amazon on October 15.www.danapharant.com

1 Comment
  1. Love this!! thanks you for the inspiration,so practical. I need to break the cycle/ habits. Going to read the book and finally break the pattern.

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