30 Signs You’re An Adult… Or In Denial About It

30 Signs You’re An Adult…

Or In Denial About It

If you were born in the 80s or 90s, the prospect of “adulthood” is ever on the horizon. But when do you officially cross the river Hades and begin the concurrent numerical-ascent and physical-descent into its imminent grasp?

Well, just like it’s younger sibling “puberty,” this next stage of our lives can vary from person to person. But the telltale signs that you’ve reached the adulting threshold are there.

Ironically, there are 30 of them, and they’re listed below.

"You literally just stop caring. Especially about what others think."

30 Signs You’re an Adult… Or in Denial About It

1. You’ve fallen asleep in full makeup and clothing on a Saturday night.

With the lights on.

2. Your new [vacuum cleaner] is your favorite purchase of the year so far.

Feel free to substitute: blender, knife set, steamer, space heater, or pots-and-pans here.

If you’re an Adult-in-Denial (AiD): a PlayStation console.

3. You’ve napped in your car on your lunch break to recover from a night out.

And have a strategy (like a blanket or hoodie left in your back seat) to do so more effectively.

4. You smile when they ask for your ID at a bar.

Instead of silently rehearsing your fake birthday and birthplace.

“Millie Thompson, June 3rd, 1986… I mean 1987.”

5. You treat your pet like your child… because all of your friends have children.

Everyone knows someone in daycare.

6. The definition of “Coke” changes from a soda to a drug, or vice-versa.

But you need at least one of them to stay awake these days.

7. Your idea of “recreational drugs” are now just prescription drugs for which you have no prescription.

And you’re old enough to have binge-watched “Intervention” when it was still on the air.

8. You floss. Like, daily. Sometimes even at work.

And are shameless when your coworkers walk in on you doing it

9. You pay extra to shop online from your couch rather than interact with humans.

And refuse to order anything on Amazon that’s not Prime. #FreeShippingOrBust

10. You’ve caught yourself discussing the economy and real estate markets at parties… with people who are willing and interested.

There was probably a cheese plate involved. Even though you tell people you’re “lactose intolerant.”

11. You literally just stop caring. Especially about what others think.

And choose to live in a world where “sweatpants” are just called “pants.”

12. Espresso makes you poop within the hour.

You also have a list of other natural laxatives lying around your place.

13. You actually get ready for bed, and make sure you get enough sleep to function the next day.

Refer to item #3 for what happens if you don’t get your full eight hours.

19. The word “Colonoscopy” suddenly enters your vocabulary.

And you’ve probably found reviews and Groupons for the best place to get one done.

14. You no longer count the free snacks at work as a “full meal.”

And have voiced a strong opinion on which foods they keep in stock. Because you’ve probably “developed an intolerance” to one of the ingredients, and want everyone to be aware of it.

15. You always bring a dish or drink with you when you visit a friend’s place.

You used to wonder who shopped at your local grocery store bakery. Now, you bring festive cookies everywhere you go.

16. You start calling your friend’s parents by their first names, instead of Mr./Mrs.

And they’re now comfortable sharing what was really going on in your neighborhood, especially during birthday parties.

17. It takes you 2 hours to get drunk… and 2 days to recover.

But by now you’ve mastered the science experiment of hydration + electrolytes + active charcoal to avoid the inevitable hangover.

18. You buy ice cream whenever you want… and can afford to pay for the good stuff.

Most likely on a Friday night to complement your Netflix date and lack of fucks.

"You realize that you can no longer do math without a calculator."

20. You’ve injured yourself while simply sleeping or stretching.  

On numerous, separate occasions. Like when you “bent over wrong to tie your shoe” last week.

21. You now refer to it as “adult” acne.

Subliminally, of course.

22. You no longer share one Netflix account with everyone you know.

But most likely have to keep instructing your parents on how to use it.

23. You pay your taxes on-time. Without your parents reminding you.

Though you might call them for advice just in case.

24. You realize that you can no longer do math without a calculator.

And have forgotten literally everything else they taught you in middle school. How do you even use a protractor in real life?

25. You drive around nice neighborhoods just to admire houses from the outside.

Just like your parents did before you.

26. You find random dark hairs on your face and body.

Which you pay other people good money to deal with removing.

27. You pride yourself on upgrading from shopping at Forever 21 to Zara.

Although you’re “Forever 21” at heart… am I right

28. You find ways to justify “sleeping” and “eating” as hobbies.

Yelp is not an activity people. But is sleep?

29. You seriously get down with meditation.

And have probably fallen asleep once or twice while doing it.

30. You realize you’re not what you “thought you would be when you grew up.”

And there’s no more time to do something about it.

Reem Edan

Reem is a 26 year-old Muslim-American comedian.

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